Everything from the night before was a blur. All i knew was that my wrists ached and i hated the silence between us. I hated myself for staying quiet for so long…
But i wanted to watch her just a little while longer. She was so beautiful and in those moments i felt so unworthy…
Of her love,
Of her company,
She did not know the chaos in my mind. She did not know but was asking me to say something.
I saw it in her eyes as she turned toward me and closed her hands around mine…
I’m sorry…i am a burden you should not have to bear. My head is just so fucked up and i’m putting all this pressure on you to take some of the weight off my shoulders. You shouldn’t have to deal with someone like me. But i guess we’re all a little fucked up and all we need is someone to be fucked up with. I’m still not sure if thats true…and i don’t think i ever want to be sure of that because i’d like to believe that your mind is beautiful, the most beautiful mind i have ever known. And i’ve never felt certain about anything else….
But then i think this is meant to hide my deepest fears because i don’t want to disappoint you.
I don’t want you to be as scared as i am.
I don’t want you to leave me alone.
I want you to hold me in your arms like you always do on the couch in silence no matter how much i hate it.
At least you’re there to help me forget about the world for a while.
You’ll always be there to stitch up my wounds and marvel at my scars.
You’ll always be there…
Somehow, i know it
But i’m still so afraid that you will leave one day because you just can’t fucking take it anymore. And i am afraid i’ll let you go because i can’t handle this life anymore.
I’ll cut my wrists and you won’t be there to stitch me up again.
I’m afraid of the kind of life you’d live without someone there to keep you from losing yourself.
I am afraid.
This is the chaos in my mind…
"Say something, please."
And wiped away her tears
"I love you" she said
And that was all that mattered